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The Famous Koskoisms
1.) Mr. Kosko (to Brian Dorsey): You useless piece of junk. (Turns to HK) and you, *sigh* just go away"
2.) Mr. Kosko: How do you sound like a French horn, saxaphones, anyone remember?
One of the Saxes: Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes!
3.) Mr. Kosko: Trumpets, "Comfort and Joy," beginning. *Trumpets play* Okay.. that was neither comforting, nor joyful..
4.) (Whole bunch of people talking)
Mr. Kosko: Shut up, band!
5.) (Mr. Kosko just asked Dave a question. He just happened to get it right. Then again, knowing Dave, something weird is gonna happen. So Mr. Kosko turns to write it on the board and,
Dave Wells (aka Oboeboy): Booyah! Who's your daddy!!!!!
Mr. Kosko: Whoever yours is wouldn't admit to it.
6.) Mr. Kosko: If none of you screw this up, the trumpets will each give you five dollars.
7.) HK: I'm gonna hurt Brian Dorsey, he tried to steal my CD player three times already!
Mr. Kosko: Brian Dorsey? Oh, you can hurt Brian Dorsey!
8.) Mr. Kosko: I can act stupid all by myself!
9.) HK (waving a dollar): Mr. Kosko! I need a tube!
Mr. Kosko (pretends to slobber on the tube): OK! Here!
10.) Mr. Kosko: Oh, that was so beautiful, it's almost bringing tears to my eyes... *sniff*
11.) Mr. Kosko (to Dylan Lahiff): What are ya doing? It looks like you're having an attack back there!
12.) Mr. Kosko: French horns, I'm surprised. You're actually starting to sound like a French horn section.
13.) Mr. Kosko (to oboes): Play fast on the tape, oboes, so I don't have to listen for long.
14.) (Low brass and snare playing)
Mr. Kosko: Don't play, snare. I only want to hear to real musicians.
Michelle Eboch: Oooh, the truth hurts.
15.) Mr. Kosko: What? Am I speaking in another language or something?
16.) Mr. Kosko: All of you guys that have that: Bass Clarinet, Baboon.
17.) Mr. Kosko: This band is made up of brilliant musicians..... and oboes.
Dave Wells: That's cruel!!!!!
18.) Mr. Kosko: Let's see: Badabadabadabedabadabadaboom
19.) Mr. Kosko (to percussion): It's a good thing we're not actually marching to this march. (starts rushing around) You guys are rushing this piece like crazy!
Michelle Eboch: God, he's like, the master of insults.
20.) Mr. Kosko: C'mon, horns. If you don't tongue faster, then they aren't sixteenth notes, and that makes you a weenie middle school horn section!
21.) Mr. Kosko: Yes, I am your all-powerful band teacher!
22.) Mr. Kosko: French horns, play loud so I can't hear the saxes
23.) Mr. Kosko (to trumpets): We have a group of very talented people. You're not embarrassing. At least, not in your playing.
24.) Mr. Kosko (to horns): What did I say? Nobody plays the top octave! Lemme say that in German:
(says something really wacky that sounds like it's German but probably isn't considering that it's Mr. Kosko we're talking about)
25.) Mr. Kosko: You know, horns, it would be really nice if we could find that partial on the first measure and not the third or fourth.
26.) Mr. Kosko: Wind chimes- you gotta know when to stop. It's not that windy. The wind stops after six measures.
27.) Mr. Kosko: OK! Saxes, flutes, clarinet (pause) thingy! With oboes!
28.) HK: Mr. Kosko! (walks up to his office door) you were below average today! You only had four Koskoisms!
(Mr. Kosko shakes his head, then closes the door. HK opens it again.)
HK: You're cruel, you know that?
Mr. Kosko: Yeah, you could put that on the list: (Slams door in student's face)
29.) Slams door in student's face (hahaha)
30.) Mr. Kosko: Percussion: are the ladies the only ones who know how to play keyboard back there?
31.) Mr. Kosko: See? Here's proof that a guy can play eighth notes two times. I guess girls just can't do it.
Michelle: Did I just hear that?
32.) Mr. Kosko: You guys can't screw this! If this guy plays it wrong (points to Dylan), then we're still only gonna get a three!
Dylan: It's always me!
33.) Mr. Kosko: Yes! That almost sounded like a band! Way to go!
34.) Mr. Kosko: Man! Micky, that's a million miles sharp! Pull all those slides all the way out!
Mickey: But they are all the way out!
35.) (from last year)
Mr. Kosko (to Catherine Ade, about her piccolo): Pull out 9 feet.
Catherine: *pretends to throw mouthpiece out the window*
36.) (During our fundraiser item count...)
Mr. Kosko (to our fundraising group: Dave, Kris, Brian, Paul, William [INFERIOR!!!!!!], and HK): All members of the fundraiser group 'Oboe Boy and Friends' stand. I wanna see what kind of friends this guy actually has!
37.) (the PA system asks Lily Grabil to "slide by" the main office after class)
Mr. Kosko: *makes slide gesture* Don't go to the main office! - Slide by there!
38.) Mr. Kosko: Good, tubas! It's a good sound, tubas. You have to withhold it. Show Mr. Miles you don't need him back there!
39.) (The delivery truck with our fundraiser stuff is about to get here. The PA calls and asks whether it's here now or not...)
Mr. Kosko: No the truck's not here yet...
*the truck pulls in*
40.) Mr. Kosko: Can some seventh grader tell me what a fermata is?
Kris: When you hold the note until the conductor cuts you off.
Mr. Kosko: No, you see, it's when you hold the note until the almighty conductor cuts you off.
41.) (HK's walking through the hall to get her lunch)
Mr. Kosko: Hey, I saw "da power of kosko" website...
HK: So, whaddaya think? How pathetic are we?
Mr. Kosko: You three are in serious need of mental health...
42.) (HK walks into the cafeteria with a big poster- Mr. Kosko is in front on the mic)
HK (to Mr. Kosko): This sucks. My science project is so lame... Everyone else did something so much better than a poster...
Mr. Kosko (into the mic): Everyone needs to take a seat...
HK: I'm gonna get a D!!!!!
Mr. Kosko (into the mic (and still not paying any attention to HK)): Including HK...
43.) HK: DAVE!!!!!!! GET BACK HERE!!!!!!!!
Mr. Kosko: See? It's not just me-everybody ignores you.
HK: Cruel...
44.) Mr. Kosko: Josh, bring those cymbols to the front.
Josh: Sure.
(Josh brings them up)
Josh: Knock yourself out.
Mr. Kosko: I'd rather knock YOU out.
45.) HK: I can't believe you're moving to Atlanta!
Mr. Kosko: You believed that bit????
HK: ??????
(Anna and Michelle Eboch walk in)
Anna: I hate you! When are you moving?
Mr. Kosko: I'm not moving!
Anna: You're not?
Mr. Kosko: No! You guys couldn't get me away from here if you tried!
HK: But Caitlin told me that you were moving!
Mr. Kosko: No, I'm not! I just told Caitlin that Mr. Miles was here as a replacement and made up the entire story since she was buggin me! You guys believed that *CENSORED*?? I just can't believe that one of the parents actually called me...
46.) Mr. Kosko (talking about our All-District Audition dress code): It doesn't have to be too formal. You don't have to wear a uniform or anything: just look nice. I mean, you don't come there in ripped jeans or whatever. Just don't come looking like a skater thug.
Michelle & Anna Eboch, HK, Dave, and a whole lot of other people: Like you did for Halloween.
Mr. Kosko: Yeah! Don't do like I did on Halloween.
(NOTE: Mr. Kosko wore a blonde wig and hat, his son's clothes, and came with his son's skateboard. *shudder* disturbing...)
47.) Mr. Kosko: When you check your time for All-District, make sure your instrument's right. They had Caitlin down as a clarinet.
Dave: Wow. She's gonna do pretty bad...
48.) (During Mr. Miles's good-bye party)
Mr. Kosko: OKAY! Whoever wants cupcakes, get in line! Superior musicians first!
49.)Mr. Kosko: If you're all good little girls and boys, we'll stop class early.
Dave: What about the men?
Mr. Kosko: *scoffs* Yeah, right...
50.) Mr. Kosko (in a freaky voice): Good moinin' boys and guirls...
51.) Mr. Kosko: Who hasn't turned in their fundraiser money? Who's a big loser?
52.) Mr. Kosko: Amazing! Trombones, I can actually hear ya!
53.) (Mr. Kosko pulls out a GIANT wad of money from our fundraiser and starts waving it around.)
Mr. Kosko: Who wants some? If you're good, I'll hand them out at the end of class.
54.) (Doing volunteer scales)
Mr. Kosko: Okay! Who from the percussion is gonna volunteer?
(dead silence)
Mr. Kosko: Well, we have SUCH an agressive percussion section here...
55.) (Michelle reaches for the big wad of money mentioned in number 53)
Mr. Kosko (slaps her hand with the baton): No, you don't!
56.) Michelle: Do you have perfect pitch?
Mr. Kosko (in a singing voice): Wha? My dog has fleas!
Dave: Hey, I like that song!
(This was a REALLY STUPID SONG WE DID IN SIXTH GRADE! I dunno how Mr. Kosko ever got to know this, but I HATE THAT SONG!)
57.) (Saxes and clarinets playing)
Mr. Kosko: Hold it. Guys, that sounds like a French ambulance.
58.) (Handing out our fundraiser money)
Mr. Kosko: Caroline- 31 dollars!
HK (in korean so Mr. Kosko has no idea what the heck I'm saying): Loan me some of that money!
Mr. Kosko: Yeah, what she said.
59.) Mr. Kosko: Some of you guys are still fumbling on your scales. You're all just guessing the notes, horns!
(band laughs)
Mr. Kosko: And there's one person in the section that needs some work. I won't mention any names but his initials are Mickey Kopstein.
60.) Mr. Kosko: Trombones, you're gonna need a mute for this piece.
(Phil walks to the back cabinet and takes out the trombone mute)
Phil: What about this one?
Mr. Kosko: That's mine.
Phil: Can I have it?
Mr. Kosko: You can RENT it from me: $1 a day!
61.) Mr. Kosko: Okay, Chorale #5. We'll have a competition: Brass vs. Woodwinds.
Michelle: That's no fair! We have the saxes!
Mr. Kosko: And the oboes.
62.) (The band gets finished with the Chorale contest [see #61]
Someone: Who won?
Mr. Kosko: I did.
63.) This Koskoism has do dialouge, aside from the fits of laughter, so heck. Okay, with this one you're going to need some background info, unless you're in our band, but heck here I go. The band's playing this song called "The Light Eternal" which I say is the best song next to "Legend of the Sword". The song's about a passenger boat that gets hit by a German torpedo in WWII. Anyway, the band was playing the part where the torpedo's gonna hit. The woodwinds are playing their cool radar blippy sound while the brass section does their cool little thing. Anyway, right at the end, the gong is supposed the hit, which is supposed to be the actual hit of the torpedo.
(Band getting to the part where the actual torpedo hits, and Mr. Kosko's in the mood and everything. He gears up to cue in the gong and...)
BONG!
Mr. Kosko's arms are raised behind him, his eyes wide open (you know the pose any conductor's in when he's ready to cue someone in) and he just stands there in that position while the band is laughing hysterically or either yelling at the gong player. As soon as the hysterical fits of laughter start to slow down, THEN he cues the gong in. HO BOY...
64.) Mr. Kosko: Okay! Do we have any volunteers?
(Long pause, and as ususal, Dave shoots his hand up.)
Mr. Kosko: Other than Oboeboy.
65.) (Background info for anyone who isn't in band: Everyone has a number. There's two sets: one for woodwinds and percussion, one for brass)
Mr. Kosko: Okay, Phil. Pick a number.
Phil: From what to what?
Mr. Kosko: Um... from... 13 to 13.
Phil: Um... 13?
Mr. Kosko: And that would be... Anna Eboch!
66.) Mr. Kosko: OK, Michelle, pick a number between 23 and 23.
Michelle: 23.7
Mr. Kosko: OK! 23!
Michelle: I said 23.7!
67.) Mr. Kosko: Alright, everyone should have a copy of Chorale and Shaker Dance II by now except Katherine, because no one likes her.
Kat: I feel so unwanted...
68.) Well, here's the background for those of you who didn't hear Mr. Kosko's "whereas" speech. The symphonic band got an appreciation speech from a senator or whatever. Anyway, here's roughly how Mr. Kosko read the speech for us:
Mr. Kosko: ...whereas the students of the Robert Frost Symphonic Band are an inspiration to the rest of the band students in the school WHEREAS an inspiration for the rest of the nation, WHEREAS Mr. Dan Kosko, a sucessful director for 12 years at Frost teaches his students with enthusiasm (yada yada yada and on the speech goes...) WHEREAS the band recieved the prestigious Sudler Cup, awarded by the John Philip Sousa Foundation, which is the highest honor a middle school band can receive, WHEREAS the Frost Band has received constant "excellent" scores at the district 11 festival, WHEREAS... (and you really don't wanna know the rest.)
69.) Mr. Kosko: The lower instruments diminuendo more than the flutes section. Here. (Mr. Kosko draws a graph on the whiteboard).
Dave: The x and the y are supposed to be on the other end!
Mr. Kosko: Shut up, Oboeboy!
(everyone laughs, including Smitsky who goes, "Ooooooooooh!!!!")
Mr. Kosko: That's one reason why I don't teach math.
70.) Mr. Kosko (talking to the french horns): Look you guys, when they see six horns walking out on the stage, the judges are gonna be drooling! They'll be going, "Wow! SIX HORNS! What a great band!" We're gonna have to prove that to them!
(note: the symphonic band has seven horns) (the horns play their part)
Mr. Kosko: Good! That's better. Sorry Arie, looks like you're gonna be kicked off. Just kiddin'.
74.) Mr. Kosko: I have a little term in percussion that I call "workstations". Anyone know what that means?
Dave: Play everything around you!
Mr. Kosko: Did I hear someone talking?
Dave: You're cruel, Mr. Kosko!
Mr. Kosko: It means that you play everything around you.
Dave (a little overexcitedly, even for Dave): BOOYAH!!!!!
75.) Mr. Kosko: Brilliant, brilliant! (pause) Especially on my part.
76.) Mr. Kosko: So far, these two (points to HK and Caitlin) are the best in tune.
HK: Booyah!
(HK and Caitlin do the little fist thing. There's no problem to that, other than the fact that Caitlin and Katherine are supposed to play next... Mr. Kosko stares at us and does his own weird version of the fist thingy...)
Dave: Fluties...
77.) Mr. Kosko: Saxes, that's the other type of 'ritard'..
78.) (Background Info: The Ebochs will occasionally listen to Mr. Kosko's CDs after school and sometimes forget to take them out...)
(The band is warming up, and Mr. Kosko pushes the play button, expecting to hear the annoying ringing of the tuning CD. Of course, with the stuff that goes on in our band, it's not the tuning CD: it's country music...)
Mr. Kosko (after he finishes dancing in front of the band): I wonder who put THAT CD in there... (looks at Michelle)
Michelle: What? I was listening to your Shania Twain CD!
79.) (Mr. Pittman comes in with a video camera)
Mr. Kosko: OK, all you guys turn around and face the camera: even you ugly ones.
80.) Mr. Kosko: The english horn is a very tempremental instrument: much like it's player...
81.) P.A. System: Mr. Kosko, could you send down Jeffrey Tsai for checkout, please?
Mr. Kosko: Sure.
(P.A. turns off)
Mr. Kosko: It's never a flute...
82.) (Mr. Kosko is in the back helping out Josh playing bass drum.)
Mr. Kosko: Josh, you need to diminuendo more. Of course, if it was HK's head, you wouldn't diminuendo. You'd just keep playing fortissimo.
83.) (Mrs. Hall walks in after doing the clarinet sectional)
Mrs. Hall: They sound good!
Mr. Kosko: They sound good? We don't compliment the clarinets here!
HK is currently unaccessable, so recording these two next Koskoisms looks like a job for KRIS!
(I've also edited some *incorrect* previous ones for HK.)
84.) Mr. Kosko: Alright, percussion. Find something to bang on.
85.) Mr. Kosko: Zzing!
<----- Kris, wai'd u add this one?
Hey, I'm back. I was kicked off the computer for a week, but now i'm here to update the Koskoisms. Thanx, Kris!
86.) Mr. Kosko: Horns, to mute the thing, you stuff your hand in there. Or we could use Oboeboy's head...
(Oboeboy unzips his jacket halfway and stuff his head in there...)
87.) (Once of the teachers comes in: dunno which)
<
The Teacher: Sign-up for the Model UN is gonna be during lunch, and I'm sorry, but it's first come, first serve.
Mr. Kosko: Hold on, hold on. Why would we want to have a Model UN when the political UN is a disater?
The band: Ooh...
Someone: Oh, Mr. Kosko revealing his political veiws...
88.) Mr. Kosko: Horns, that was great: that actually sounds like a real horn sound!
89.) Mr. Kosko: Great job horns! The less I hear of the oboes the better it is.
90.) Mr. Kosko: OK, flutes. you play first, then eat in like, 2 minutes, and get back here real fast for flute choir.
HK: And how are we supposed to eat that fast?!
Mr. Kosko: Well, with a mouth as big as yours, it shouldn't be that hard.
*91.) Mr. Kosko: I'm paid to hold this stick and wiggle it!
*92.) Mr. Kosko: Everyone needs to learn their part! I've learned mine. *starts conducting*
*93.) Mr. Kosko (to Scott): Everyone in this band, except the Snare Drum, can play the Simpsons in tempo!
*94.) Scott: Mr. Kosko, you had no Koskoisms today. I'm shocked!
Mr. Kosko: Well you had no timing today, so I'm shocked.
95.) Mr. Kosko: If any of you uys can figure out what you're doing wrong, the Ebochs will each give you .
(In case any of you are curious, the Eboch are now in a large amount of debt.)
(Background info for Koskoisms 96-99: Kris and HK went to see the Fairfax Wind Symphony Concert that Mr. Kosko, Ms. Ammirati, and a bunch of other teachers are in.)
96.) Mr. Kosko: Well, you two both get extra credit for comimg: God knows HK needs it...
97.) (Mr. Kosko's practing on the snare during the intermission. Kris and HK notice him and...)
HK & Kris: Hi, Mr. Kosko!
(Mr. Kosko raises one eyebrow and looks back down to his music)
98.) Mr. Kosko (looking at Kris's scraped up arm): What happened to you?
Kris: Oh. I fell.
Mr. Kosko: You see, if HK had that, then she'd be complaining for a week about how she can't play flute
Ms. Ammirati: or go to tae kwon do practice.
Mr. Kosko: Exactly.
99.) HK and Kris: Hi, Mr. Kosko. Hi, Ms. Ammirati.
Mr. Kosko (pointing to Ms. Ammirati): You're here to talk to her, right?
100.) Dave: Can I have the English Horn over the summer?
Mr. Kosko: I sold it.
Dave: but its still here!
Mr Kosko: they haven't picked it up yet.
101.) Mr. Kosko: How come there's no one playing the chimes?
Random Percussionist: I don't know.
Mr. Kosko: In my day we used to beat people up for the good parts no go.
~102.) (Mrs. Hall has given an incredibly long speech about losing, not losing, how we're all winners, yadayadayada. nuff said.)
Mrs. Hall: Anything you'd like to say, Mr. Kosko?
Mr. Kosko: Oh forget all that crap she just said, just bring home that trophy!
*Concert 3 Koskoisms
~Marching Band Koskoisms
In Tribute to Mr. Miles: MILESISMS!!!!!
1.) Mr. Miles: I'm hugging myself because I care...
2.) Mr. Miles: OK! Measure 66. But not Route 66. Route 66 is that way. And you can quote me on that. Hahaha.
3.) (At Mr. Miles's good-bye party)
Mr. Miles: No, it's not my birthday. Actually, my birthday was last Friday.
Dave: How old were you?
Mr. Miles: I am still 23.
Dave: Then you can buy us beer!
Mr. Miles Yeah, man!
Email Me at- xkrnxfluteygalx@hotmail.com
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